So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
