Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
