i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
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When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
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Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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