I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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