using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
