Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
