hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
