I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
