I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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