My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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