we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
