I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
