my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Holy shit dude........stairs
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
