I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
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Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
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Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.