I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
