she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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