i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
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I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
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July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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