"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize
