I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
