God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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