I cockslap morals
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
