omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
