btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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