Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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