I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
