i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Randomize
