can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
