She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
