Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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