Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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