I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
