Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
