i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
