then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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