The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
