Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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