I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
