I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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