I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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