Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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