How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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