Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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