When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
