Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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