3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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