Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
