My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
