Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
