two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
