the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
