Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
