I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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