im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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