Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
