Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
