I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Holy sore nipples Batman
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
