im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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