sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
