i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
