I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
