Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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