accomplished twins. life is a go
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
