I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
