OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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