Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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